The Cat in the Box

Today my cat Columbo was due for a trip to the Vets. I have to take him every six months or so for a blood test to check on how his diabetes is progressing. He seemed to be doing fine through the summer so I didn’t anticipate any particular problems when I got up in good time to get him sorted for his 9.10 appointment.

However, the trip didn’t go quite according to plan. For a start, it was a lovely sunny day and, after breakfast, Columbo decided to go out into the garden. Ready to get going, I brought his travel box out after him so I could get him into it. He made it quite clear he’d rather be basking in the morning sunshine than clambering into the box and it took me quite a while to (a) catch him and (b) squeeze him into the necessary receptacle.

At first he growled and hissed with indignation but he seemed settle down once we were under way. Little did I know he was plotting revenge. When I got to the clinic, I realised that a terrible pong was emanating from the cat box. When I opened it up inside the consulting room I realised he’d done a very large and smelly poo.

Sending the box away to be cleaned up by an assistant, the vet prodded and poked the moggy and weighed him, pronouncing him drastically overweight. I do weigh his food out every day but he’s still put on about 500g over the summer. The vet recommended I cut his rations by half until he lost a bit of flab.

Anyway, when the assistant returned from shit-scraping duty she and the vet proceeded to try taking a blood sample. Normally this is done from the neck where the appropriate blood vessels are relatively easy to reach. Columbo has never enjoyed this, but is not normally too hard to handle. This time, however, he wasn’t having any of it. It was impossible for them to hold him still enough long enough to do the necessary so they beat a hasty retreat, regrouped and planned a counter-offensive.

Plan B involved taking the blood from his leg instead. After several attempts and, I have to say, considerable loss of blood on both sides, the vet managed to get a full sample. Columbo went back in the box and would have licked his wounds had both his forelegs not been covered in bandages.

But even that wasn’t the end of it. I went out into reception with the cat safely in his portable house. I waited to pay my bill. As I did so, a lady came in with a young, highly energetic and extremely inquisitive boxer puppy. This little dog had clearly never seen a cat before and went sniffing around Columbo’s box. Said cat sat there quietly until the puppy presented a large, wet and obviously very inviting nose against the front grille whereupon Columbo gave it a straight jab with full claw deployment sending the puppy yelping across the reception.

I apologized profusely to the vets and to the owner of the maimed puppy dog and left as quickly as I could after paying. When I got home Columbo went straight upstairs and under the bed in a sulk. I wonder how much worse he’ll get when he finds out he’s on a diet?

I think his grumpiness may stem from relationship difficulties. A week or so ago he caught a mouse in the garden and was playing with it on the lawn – it was dead by this point. The little lady cat that appears to have befriended Columbo came to investigate. She sat watching him for a while. Then he put the mouse down. Quick as a flash, she darted in, grabbed the mouse, and did off over the fence with it. I haven’t seen her since.

Maybe I should have warned him what women are like.

7 Responses to “The Cat in the Box”

  1. Anton Garrett Says:

    He sounds in pretty good health to me!

  2. The only problem I can see is how to stop him messing with the bandages on his legs. He keeps licking them and doesn’t seem to realise that they won’t go away. I’ll call the vet in the morning and ask if I should take them off.

  3. Anton Garrett Says:

    What makes you think they won’t be in tatters by morning?

  4. Anton Garrett Says:

    Thereby hangs a tail.

  5. Postscript: his blood test came back today. All is fine. Back in 6 months.

  6. […] almost two months in fact since I took the moggy to the vets to have another blood sample extracted, although I think he extracted more from the vet and her […]

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