Please help Simon


This is Simon. He is 67 years old. Simon has had a tough time of it recently. He really needs your help. This is Simon’s story.

Simon was quite bright as a small child, but things started to go wrong for him  early on in life. He was bullied at public school by a vicious gang of “nerds” who forced him to look at their calculations. Later, a terrifying incident with a pipette in a chemistry lesson left him emotionally scarred. He started to have paranoid delusions and  nightmares about Men in White Coats. More recently  he began to suffer hallucinations involving Mammoths. He suspects all scientists are after his money. His behaviour is obsessive. Every gadget fills him with terror.  His actions are bizarre and unpredictable. He is no longer able to cope with everyday life and needs constant supervision.

Fortunately, Simon has a generous and loving friend called Alan (who edits a national newspaper).  Alan noticed that Simon had severe problems and decided to care for him. Alan provided sheltered accommodation for Simon and created a job, so Simon could earn a basic living doing simple tasks, such as writing a column in The Guardian.

Sadly, however, things have recently started to go wrong. Simon’s behaviour has deteriorated even further. He has become increasingly incoherent. He is unable to write his column without repeating himself over and over again. Worse, he sometimes gets out of the padded cell secure unit office Alan has provided for him, wandering about the premises foaming at the mouth and raving about the Large Hadron Collider. This is embarrassing Alan and the other people he works with. Simon has also recently been found sticking pins in a wax effigy of Lord Rees.

To make matters worse, Alan’s business has started to fail. He is losing money and can no longer afford to pay for Simon’s upkeep. Alan has become depressed by his newspaper’s falling circulation and the stress of having to cope with looking after Simon. He is desperate for help.

Without your assistance, the future looks bleak for both Simon and Alan.  Please send your contributions to Alan’s Personal Assistant:

Poppy Cock,
The Guardian,
Kings Place
90 York Way
N1 9GU

Please mark your envelope Get this Nutter off my Hands Appeal and make your cheques out to The Margaret Thatcher Home for the Bewildered (Maximum Security Divison). If you can’t afford to send money, any other gifts would be appreciated, especially crayons and colouring-in books (but not if they are about science).

Thank you for your help. Have a nice day. Unless you’re a scientist.

PS. You may find updates on the progress of this appeal on Twitter (look for #SpoofJenks).

Related Posts

  • William Waldegrave challenges journalists to explain Simon Jenkins to the general public
  • Martin Rees to blame for England’s World Cup exit, says Simon Jenkins
  • Brian Cox ate my Hamster
  • Nature Blog #SpoofJenks posts
  • Scientists Experiment with Simon Jenkins (at the Guardian website)

9 Responses to “Please help Simon”

  1. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Stephen Curry, Dick Mandrake, Jennifer L. Rohn, Alan Henness, Peter Coles and others. Peter Coles said: Please help Simon: #SpoofJenks […]

  2. Steve Warren Says:

    What are his basic needs? For example is his current salary larger than the Prime Minister’s?

  3. telescoper Says:

    Have you ever tried to live on £150K a year?

  4. Nick Cross Says:

    No, but I would be willing to give it a try.

  5. […] well, is fine, but I firmly believe in attacking the ideas, rather than the people behind them. This post on the In the Dark blog is just […]

  6. I would have a little more sympathy for some of the arguments raised by Mr Jenkins – if only he had levied his arguments at the correct group of people. I agree that a disconcerting amount of what is described as “from scientists” that is reported in the media is often inaccurate or outright wrong. In my experience the causes of this can usually be narrowed down to 2 main groups:

    1. Ill-respected scientists attempting to garner some publicity from a scaremongering study published in an obscure journal.

    2. News agencies (or other parties) taking sections of published papers out of context and building an entire article on a single quote or passage.

    A man launching into tirades against the whole scientific community you would expect to have done at least some peripheral research to check his facts – and therefore be aware of the former.
    A man working for a major media outlet (including some time as an editor) you could expect to be aware of the latter.

    His opinion is one of “I can’t see the direct benefits of what you’re proposing, therefore it is of no worth”… Whilst he views comments on his article over the internet. On his monitor.

    The thought that frightens me about seeing columnists publishing articles such as his is that some more influential figures might be swayed by his (misinformed) words and that humanity as a whole is the one to suffer for it.

  7. […] In the Dark A blog about the Universe, and all that surrounds it « Please help Simon […]

  8. […] Please help Simon by blogger Telescoper […]

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