I Don’t Like Chocolate

telescoper:

I was beginning to think I’m the only person in the Universe who doesn’t like chocolate, so I’m grateful to this blogger for showing me I’m not alone!

Yesterday Cadbury were “promoting” their revolting “Creme Eggs” on Twitter. These are particularly vile: sickly sugar-soaked globules of a mixture of pus and mucus, encased in solidified baby poo. Eat one and puke.

I don’t like them, you see.

Originally posted on Shades of White Matter:

I often wonder what chocolate tastes like to other people, because so many are so over the moon about it. My boss has a bowl of chocolate on his desk for public consumption, and people are constantly stopping by. Even if we’re in the office having a meeting, they’ll open the door and duck and grab, with a “Sorry, just needed chocolate.” It’s worse in the afternoon, and particularly on Wednesdays. It usually derails my train of thought, because I have to wonder why these people who would otherwise never be rude, in this case intrude just because they need chocolate. I look at the bowl and feel nothing.

 

It’s a burden sometimes, to be an anomaly. What, not like chocolate? If I had a dime for every time someone asked me why not, I could quit my job and never look at that chocolate bowl again. I have grown to…

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15 Responses to “I Don’t Like Chocolate”

  1. Emma J King Says:

    The problem with chocolate is that not all chocolate is equal, by a long way. Cadbury’s cream eggs are, undeniably, pretty hideous, and despite having a massively sweet tooth & adoring chocolate, I would never choose to eat the big ones, and can just about tolerate the mini versions which have a much higher chocolate:goop ratio. But cadbury’s chocolate is pretty poor whatever form it’s in. Generally I don’t eat milk chocolate unless there is no other option – it’s sickly, insipid stuff that makes my mouth all sticky & yuk.

    But you also want to avoid going too far the other way. Those people who are constantly banging on about chocolate that is 80 or 90% cocoa need their heads tested, and IMO are usually just showing off. That stuff is extremely bitter, & is for cooking ONLY! Definitely don’t bother eating anything that’s above 70% cocoa. About 50-60% is my preferred range. If you like a subtle orange-and-spices tang to things, Green & Black’s “Maya Gold” is a lovely 55% cocoa chocolate. In general, Green & Blacks is a very good brand (now owned by Cadbury, of course – presumably someone there noticed how awful their standard range of chocolate was, & thought they’d better buy a company that could do it properly).

    Their Hot Chocolate is very good too. Lots of cocoa, very little “gloop”. Far too many hot chocolates are full of cocoa butter or other vegetable fat that I believe is supposed to make them feel “silky” & luxurious, but mostly just make them feel like you’re drinking vegetable oil. Bleurgh! The Green & Blacks powder suggests mixing with hot milk, but I usually make it up with about 70-75% hot water with a big splosh of milk in the top, which makes a wonderfully chocolate, not-at-all gloopy, hot drink of yumminess.

    I guess what I’m saying is that, although I consider myself a massive chocoholic, I won’t eat about 90% of the so-called “chocolate” on the market. And it’s not the chocolate that’s the problem, it’s what they do to it to turn it into mass-marketable pap. So before you swear off chocolate all together, make sure you try some decent stuff! Gü chocolate puddings are also recommended :)

    If you still don’t like chocolate after that, there’s simply no helping you! ;)

    • Hey, I do eat 99% Lindt chocolate tablettes and it is not for showing off! Of course, it is very bitter and you can only eat a small quantity at a time but this is the whole point. The taste remains in your mouth for hours afterwards, highly enjoyable! A very good cooking (unsweetened) chocolate is the Nestlé desert tablette. Btw, I once visited the Cadbury factory in Dunedin, NZ, and this brand is far far away from making true chocolate! For one thing, they always mix their chocolate with milk and sugar, that they keep in huge vats for whatever product they want to make!!! Yuk!!!

      • Emma J King Says:

        Well, you may be the only one. Most chocolate percentage conversations seem to me to be massive one-upmanship pissing contests. “I eat 70%”, “Well *I* eat 80%”, and so on and so forth….

        But of you genuinely enjoy it, go for it. I mean, you’re clearly mad, but probably not a danger to anyone but yourself, so knock yourself out! ;)

  2. What generally passes for chocolate in this country bears as much comparison to real chocolate as does chicory enhanced instant “coffee” compared with carefully prepared Blue Mountain.

    I also read on the web [ so it must be true ] that real chocolate seems to have some positive association with serotonin and oxytocin which are good things [ it says on the interwebs ].

    Go on, go on, go on: try some.

  3. the easter eggs are indeed vile. However, *real* chocolate is a different matter. Try some

  4. telescoper Says:

    I’ve tried every type chocolate I’ve heard of. It’s all horrid.

    The only thing I can recommend it for is as an emetic.

  5. telescoper Says:

    People often say to me, oh that cheap chocolate isn’t the real thing you need to try the real thing. Then they give me a bit of what is supposed to be the real thing, I try it, and it’s just as vile as the stuff that wasn’t the real thing. The only real thing about chocolate is that it’s horrible. Fact.

    • Emma J King Says:

      In that case, fair enough! I’m the same with wine. Have tried a million different ones, cheap, expensive, from all over the world, and they’re all hideous, and everyone is always saying “but just try *this* one…”. Usually I do. You never know – one day I might figure out what all the fuss is about!

      • Anton Garrett Says:

        Chateau Margaux, Emma. But I’m not sponsoring you!

        Do you include sweet dessert wines among your dislikes?

  6. I just love it when your contingent propositions go all tautological.

  7. But… But… You’re carbon-based, right?

  8. Anton Garrett Says:

    Peter, I’m glad you don’t like chocolate – more for me. Although I had a nasty feeling that you were going to borrow 10cc’s pun and say that you loved it…

    Here is an expose of a dirty trick that Cadbury’s pulled to try to get away with a profit rise without a price rise:

    Since I last looked at this video I see that Cadbury’s did a U-turn without admitting it, probably because they harmed themselves by making the taste worse.

    For me nothing beats high-quality milk chocolate, mainly Belgian or Swiss (no doubt who the chocolate world cup final is between), although my favourite brand changed after a long bout of flu 6 years ago which left me with permanently changed taste; I now prefer slightly less sugar in it.

  9. I believe you that you don’t like chocolate. I’ve met other people like that, although it’s hard for me to imagine what that’s like.

    The vileness of Cadbury Creme Eggs, on the other hand, is simply an objective fact.

  10. i hate chocolate cake very much. just like that :-) Says:

    i hate chocolate from my childhood. Actually i don’t like too sweat but very rarely i pick it up. I like raw, veg, non-veg and hot with little spicy and salty. I don’t know if i am right, but when i eat any sweet, it feels my body didn’t get satisfied and stuffed, sometimes it becomes a sense of bitter if i don’t replace its taste by any salty or hot food.
    I wonder my body doesn’t like just because it is not healthy to my body. But i like natural sweet from different fruits and flowers. Mango king of fruits and of-course mine too. :) I feel this is my state of consciousness. Those who like chocolate please don’t take my words badly. Because its just my thinking, not any scientific proof.
    And thanks to this blog and others. Everybody have different tastes so cheers.

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